years ago, when i imagined what my life would be like it was nothing like this... i would get married and have a family and no matter what else, i would be happy b/c i loved my kids and husband. so here i am, married with 2 kids, and i have never been so unhappy. i feel like i've lost myself in all of this. with demanding kids, no money, constantly moving, mike continuously changing jobs i can never get caught up. i used to be organized, i used to pay all of my bills in full on time, i used to sleep at night, i used to laugh and smile. now i feel like all i'm doing is just making it through each moment, hoping and praying that the next one will be better. praying that my kids are just in a phase and that someday i will be able to look back on these years and smile with fond memories.
matt never sleeps well, he can never get enough attention and love from me. to the point that i don't want him around sometimes b/c he takes and takes and takes until i'm beyond empty. i had to force him to wean at 2 1/2 b/c i couldn't stand it anymore. and that has only made him clingier. so i feel like a failure as a mother...
emmie is always sick... her reflux is bad, but not bad enough for anyone to think it is a problem. the drs blow me off, others who have sick kids see my baby as "not as sick as theirs" so i get no help. none of the meds help enough. she screams b/c she is tired and can't stay asleep. she spits up everywhere. i can barely eat anything without making her worse. it sucks!
i used to want 4 kids! NOT ANYMORE! i spend alot of time wanting no kids right now... i never want to have another one.
the only thing in my life that makes me feel somewhat sane and organized is my job. i've been doing it for years and i feel like i'm good at it. i can control that environment. but mike is always on my case to quit and get another job. he wants me to get out of the house. but to do that i have to find a job, interview, find daycare for emmie, find afterschool care for matt, buy new clothes (i barely have anything that fits anymore), etc etc etc. he doesn't see all of that. he just envisions me getting up in the morning and getting out. i'd have less time to do the housework and less time with the kids. but then i feel guilty b/c i could almost double my income if i did get a new job.
then there is mike and his career! i HATE journalism! when he was finishing up college he wanted to be a phys ed teacher/coach. STUPID STUPID me was concerned about money and how he would support a family with that job. so he changed careers to journalism. now he works more for F***ing less money! i wish he was a teacher! b/c then i would at least see him at night. and then i wouldn't be living so far away from my family and friends.
life is just one day after another of getting by, never winning, and never being happy!
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2 comments:
I understand your frustrations as a mom. They are universal.
However, as one in the teaching profession who is married to one in the teaching profession, I caution you. The day does not end at 4:00.
If your dearest is not spending enough time with you it is not because of his employment entirely. He can make choices. You have to require that he choose you and your family so that you are not depleted.
Been where you are. Leave him with the children for a day.
Hi Kate,
I know you wrote this a long time ago, but it really struck a chord with me. I hope you're feeling a lot better now, 4 years later! I found this site when I googled "high needs toddler" for my own reasons :) Hope you're doing well.
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