it never ends and i never win....

years ago, when i imagined what my life would be like it was nothing like this... i would get married and have a family and no matter what else, i would be happy b/c i loved my kids and husband. so here i am, married with 2 kids, and i have never been so unhappy. i feel like i've lost myself in all of this. with demanding kids, no money, constantly moving, mike continuously changing jobs i can never get caught up. i used to be organized, i used to pay all of my bills in full on time, i used to sleep at night, i used to laugh and smile. now i feel like all i'm doing is just making it through each moment, hoping and praying that the next one will be better. praying that my kids are just in a phase and that someday i will be able to look back on these years and smile with fond memories.

matt never sleeps well, he can never get enough attention and love from me. to the point that i don't want him around sometimes b/c he takes and takes and takes until i'm beyond empty. i had to force him to wean at 2 1/2 b/c i couldn't stand it anymore. and that has only made him clingier. so i feel like a failure as a mother...

emmie is always sick... her reflux is bad, but not bad enough for anyone to think it is a problem. the drs blow me off, others who have sick kids see my baby as "not as sick as theirs" so i get no help. none of the meds help enough. she screams b/c she is tired and can't stay asleep. she spits up everywhere. i can barely eat anything without making her worse. it sucks!

i used to want 4 kids! NOT ANYMORE! i spend alot of time wanting no kids right now... i never want to have another one.

the only thing in my life that makes me feel somewhat sane and organized is my job. i've been doing it for years and i feel like i'm good at it. i can control that environment. but mike is always on my case to quit and get another job. he wants me to get out of the house. but to do that i have to find a job, interview, find daycare for emmie, find afterschool care for matt, buy new clothes (i barely have anything that fits anymore), etc etc etc. he doesn't see all of that. he just envisions me getting up in the morning and getting out. i'd have less time to do the housework and less time with the kids. but then i feel guilty b/c i could almost double my income if i did get a new job.

then there is mike and his career! i HATE journalism! when he was finishing up college he wanted to be a phys ed teacher/coach. STUPID STUPID me was concerned about money and how he would support a family with that job. so he changed careers to journalism. now he works more for F***ing less money! i wish he was a teacher! b/c then i would at least see him at night. and then i wouldn't be living so far away from my family and friends.

life is just one day after another of getting by, never winning, and never being happy!

the flood is over!

i feel like i have my life back... it is amazing! the workers are pretty much done restoring our basement finally!!! it is the second crew we've had to hire b/c the first could not get the job done. but after more than 2 months, the ordeal is over!

we have moved my office and the toys back into the playroom and settled things. we have our living room back b/c all of the toys that had been stuck there are now downstairs where they belong. i didn't realize how much stress the whole ordeal had caused in my life until it ended. i feel like a different person... more like my old self. it's crazy!