it never ends and i never win....

years ago, when i imagined what my life would be like it was nothing like this... i would get married and have a family and no matter what else, i would be happy b/c i loved my kids and husband. so here i am, married with 2 kids, and i have never been so unhappy. i feel like i've lost myself in all of this. with demanding kids, no money, constantly moving, mike continuously changing jobs i can never get caught up. i used to be organized, i used to pay all of my bills in full on time, i used to sleep at night, i used to laugh and smile. now i feel like all i'm doing is just making it through each moment, hoping and praying that the next one will be better. praying that my kids are just in a phase and that someday i will be able to look back on these years and smile with fond memories.

matt never sleeps well, he can never get enough attention and love from me. to the point that i don't want him around sometimes b/c he takes and takes and takes until i'm beyond empty. i had to force him to wean at 2 1/2 b/c i couldn't stand it anymore. and that has only made him clingier. so i feel like a failure as a mother...

emmie is always sick... her reflux is bad, but not bad enough for anyone to think it is a problem. the drs blow me off, others who have sick kids see my baby as "not as sick as theirs" so i get no help. none of the meds help enough. she screams b/c she is tired and can't stay asleep. she spits up everywhere. i can barely eat anything without making her worse. it sucks!

i used to want 4 kids! NOT ANYMORE! i spend alot of time wanting no kids right now... i never want to have another one.

the only thing in my life that makes me feel somewhat sane and organized is my job. i've been doing it for years and i feel like i'm good at it. i can control that environment. but mike is always on my case to quit and get another job. he wants me to get out of the house. but to do that i have to find a job, interview, find daycare for emmie, find afterschool care for matt, buy new clothes (i barely have anything that fits anymore), etc etc etc. he doesn't see all of that. he just envisions me getting up in the morning and getting out. i'd have less time to do the housework and less time with the kids. but then i feel guilty b/c i could almost double my income if i did get a new job.

then there is mike and his career! i HATE journalism! when he was finishing up college he wanted to be a phys ed teacher/coach. STUPID STUPID me was concerned about money and how he would support a family with that job. so he changed careers to journalism. now he works more for F***ing less money! i wish he was a teacher! b/c then i would at least see him at night. and then i wouldn't be living so far away from my family and friends.

life is just one day after another of getting by, never winning, and never being happy!

the flood is over!

i feel like i have my life back... it is amazing! the workers are pretty much done restoring our basement finally!!! it is the second crew we've had to hire b/c the first could not get the job done. but after more than 2 months, the ordeal is over!

we have moved my office and the toys back into the playroom and settled things. we have our living room back b/c all of the toys that had been stuck there are now downstairs where they belong. i didn't realize how much stress the whole ordeal had caused in my life until it ended. i feel like a different person... more like my old self. it's crazy!

he has a "partner in crime"...

... at least that is what Ms. Ginny calls matt's new friend. there is a new little boy in his class this year who is almost the exact same age as him, and apparently the 2 have become quick friends. they love to play together and seem to have similar energy levels! but unfortunately they also like to get into trouble together! they have been sent to the thinking chair a few times for running in the classroom instead of completing their work. and then during naptime the other day they both kept getting off of their mats to play, instead of sleeping!!

it is so cute that he has a new friend!! (just hope they can get their behavior under control once they get used to things) i've met his mom and she seems super nice so i am also hoping we have someone to have some weekend play dates with... to let them get some energy out!

back to school...

today is his 3rd day back and i am so happy for him! he is one of the older kids in the class which will be new for him. for the first 2 years of life, matt was called "baby matt" by so many people b/c he always seemed to be the youngest. but now he is a big brother and one of the older kids in his class so things are changing.

the transition back to school has been okay, he is so excited to be back in general. but i think he is still just adjusting to it all. he was really cranky yesterday when we got home and it took us awhile to settle into things. but then he did okay. so i'm hoping after a week or two, he will be good again.

school is so good for him, it gives him such focus and stimulation. last week was so rough and i really think it was b/c matt just didn't have enough activity. he gets SO CRAZY cooped up inside. it was just too hot to play outside and there was only so much i could do to entertain the kid and still work and take care of emmie. i love love love what going to school does for him!!

and i'm still in awe by what a great big brother he is. i am so happy when i see the two of them together! they both just light up when they see each other. they love to hold hands in the car... so sweet! both mike and i had rocky relationships with our brothers growing up so we really want more than anything to have our babies be friends. i know it's early, but we are off to a good start. i feel like i do so many wrong things as a mom, it's nice to see positives come out. must be doing some things right!

i am so tired today and it is only tuesday! really hope this week is calmer... and i hope i can get some rest before the weekend cuz dh is working the cops beat which means noon til midnight!! UGH! really hope he can get a new job soon with normal hours...

too much....

it is all too much for me this evening... i am tired of being pulled on, sat on, spit up on, slept on, climbed on, and hurt by my kids. i'm tired of nursing!!! it's been 2 1/2 years! it's been 3 years since my body has been my own. i never realized being a mom would be such a violation! (never thought i would feel that way) i just really need some personal space! just tired of being a mommy today... just tired in general. tired of the whining, the tears, the screams (sad or happy). tired of having to remember to give medicine and baths. tired of laundry and dishes. tired of fixing meals and putting kids to bed. very tired of the anxiety i feel at night wondering when one or both kids will wake up...

i want to be left alone and allowed to breathe and stretch out!!!

yesterday was such a good one!!

I love happy days with my little man!! we had such a good one yesterday! he was good as gold while i worked in the morning... he would bring me puzzles and books that we would play with. and he waited patiently while i would work in between. it was WONDERFUL!!!

then we ate lunch and then took a shower and got ready to go out. took him to toys r us b/c i needed to get some play-dough for his school supply list and i bought him a prize for being so good! after that we went to an indoor play area at the mall (since it was way too hot outside for the park). we ran into one of his classmates there so the two ran and ran and played for almost 2 hours while me and the little girl's nanny sat and talked and played with emmie.

on the way home they BOTH fell asleep... OMG!!! they never nap at the same time. got matt inside on in our bed asleep. emmie woke and i nursed her some and then she went back to sleep. so i laid her down next to her brother and they slept for almost 2 hours! i had to wake them both up so i can get them dressed to go to open house at matt's school.... love my little angels!

he was so precious last night... dh was working late so matt was anxiously awaiting him. he got a toy golf set at toys r us, and it has 3 clubs and balls with it. he gave one to mommy, one for matt, and the other set was for daddy... (so cute!) we went on and played with other things but as soon as mike pulled in the driveway, matt ran and grabbed "daddy's" club and ball and met him at the door with it!

LOVE LOVE LOVE my sweet little boy!

what a day...

so this is going to be a tough week. matt's summer daycare was run by his teachers from the montessori school he attends. but they had to go back to work today so no daycare... and he doesn't start school until friday!!!

(note: he just climbed into my lap, stuck his hand in his diaper and then smeared poop down his leg.... UUUUGGGHHHH)

he has been nuts today. he threw a tantrum for 10 min after i wouldn't buy him something at a store we ran into. but 30 min later he was an absolute angel in the pharmacy while waiting on his sister's meds. i can't read the child!

i feel bad for the little man b/c he just needs constant stimulation. when he doesn't get it he is unmanagable! but when he does get attention he is amazing! he is so smart, i can't get over it. but OMG i don't have the energy to keep up anymore!